Sunday, December 2, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
It's over
The relationship, if you can call it that, is finally over. It ended big time. I finally caught her at all of her lies, she lied some more, then I provided evidence, and her little games came to and end.
I am happy, satisfied, and more experienced now. Some people are dangerous, but it's up to you to figure it out.
I am happy, satisfied, and more experienced now. Some people are dangerous, but it's up to you to figure it out.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
It is not so
On one of the previous comments, someone mentioned all of my help is "negated" because I use her for sex. This is incorrect.
In the beginning, we would have sex every time I went. But then, I told her I wanted to get to know her better and started to take her out more. To the mall, restaurants, movies, etc.
Since August, we have had sex once - and it has been of my choosing to take a different route with her. Sex does make her uncomfortable, because she has some issues with intimacy - as the psychologist said, when I showed her she could say no, she felt more liberated because initially she felt that sex was something men would require and she had to comply.
So recently, that's been out of the picture. We go out, talk, kiss - but that's it.
I am showing her things she has not yet encountered with men - and she has let me know this. Where it will go, I do not know. I do know that my intentions are noble and good - I just want to figure her out so I can help her be happy.
In the beginning, we would have sex every time I went. But then, I told her I wanted to get to know her better and started to take her out more. To the mall, restaurants, movies, etc.
Since August, we have had sex once - and it has been of my choosing to take a different route with her. Sex does make her uncomfortable, because she has some issues with intimacy - as the psychologist said, when I showed her she could say no, she felt more liberated because initially she felt that sex was something men would require and she had to comply.
So recently, that's been out of the picture. We go out, talk, kiss - but that's it.
I am showing her things she has not yet encountered with men - and she has let me know this. Where it will go, I do not know. I do know that my intentions are noble and good - I just want to figure her out so I can help her be happy.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
I've talked to a professional
I have talked to a psychologist and told him the entire story. Here are the main points that he has told me:
The psychologist associated all of her behaviors with how I should act, etc - but here I will focus on what I learned about her as well:
1.) First, her father being absent had an adverse effect on her. Her father left when she was 12, and cheated on her mother. This made her not trust men from a very young age. So this is why she is cold now - she never learned how to receive or properly give affection and love. I come from a more loving family, so to me this is normal -but to her, it's just not part of her learned experiences.
He said that since I am emotionally healthy and have had good experiences in my life, her personality creates a much more noticeable friction when I analyze it. That's why I get anxious if she is just interested in money; which is not the case. Obviously she needs some help, but the psychologist told me the very fact that she started working again, and wants to be independent, signifies that money is not the issue here.
2.) Why is she emotionally cold? Since she obviously shows that she cares about me, i.e by calling to see if I am doing OK, by sincerely seeming worried, and attached, her emotional coldness is explained thusly:
Due to her trust issues, she feels I will do to her what the other men have done to her. She has a very low opinion of herself. She is beautiful, but years of verbal abuse by men have taught her that she is ordinary, and rotten on the inside. She told me once she is not happy with herself, or her life.
So, the psychologist explained that she feels like she is liking me more - so thus she feels safe with me to cut off some of the affection and sex, since that makes her uncomfortable. She clearly has intimacy issues. It is possible that she was physically abused when she was younger, or even at the hands of her past boyfriends. She has confided in me that she was treated badly, and was told she was not a good woman.
3.) A lot of what the psychologist told me, is confirmed by details the woman has told me. She clearly has trauma in terms of relationships, so her emotional issues abound.
All I can really do is continue to treat her well, compliment her on being a good mother (Which she is), and do everything to make her trust me.
If I walk away and leave her, she will be even more confused - since the only good man to appear in her life did not stay. Who is to say she will meet someone who will be good for her later on? It's possible, and I'm not perfect - but judging by her track record, and her situation, there is little chance that will happen.
The psychologist associated all of her behaviors with how I should act, etc - but here I will focus on what I learned about her as well:
1.) First, her father being absent had an adverse effect on her. Her father left when she was 12, and cheated on her mother. This made her not trust men from a very young age. So this is why she is cold now - she never learned how to receive or properly give affection and love. I come from a more loving family, so to me this is normal -but to her, it's just not part of her learned experiences.
He said that since I am emotionally healthy and have had good experiences in my life, her personality creates a much more noticeable friction when I analyze it. That's why I get anxious if she is just interested in money; which is not the case. Obviously she needs some help, but the psychologist told me the very fact that she started working again, and wants to be independent, signifies that money is not the issue here.
2.) Why is she emotionally cold? Since she obviously shows that she cares about me, i.e by calling to see if I am doing OK, by sincerely seeming worried, and attached, her emotional coldness is explained thusly:
Due to her trust issues, she feels I will do to her what the other men have done to her. She has a very low opinion of herself. She is beautiful, but years of verbal abuse by men have taught her that she is ordinary, and rotten on the inside. She told me once she is not happy with herself, or her life.
So, the psychologist explained that she feels like she is liking me more - so thus she feels safe with me to cut off some of the affection and sex, since that makes her uncomfortable. She clearly has intimacy issues. It is possible that she was physically abused when she was younger, or even at the hands of her past boyfriends. She has confided in me that she was treated badly, and was told she was not a good woman.
3.) A lot of what the psychologist told me, is confirmed by details the woman has told me. She clearly has trauma in terms of relationships, so her emotional issues abound.
All I can really do is continue to treat her well, compliment her on being a good mother (Which she is), and do everything to make her trust me.
If I walk away and leave her, she will be even more confused - since the only good man to appear in her life did not stay. Who is to say she will meet someone who will be good for her later on? It's possible, and I'm not perfect - but judging by her track record, and her situation, there is little chance that will happen.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Here is a summary of my situation, up to now:
Ok, here is what has happened. I met her about 6 months ago. I am 23, she is 26. She has a 1 1/2 year old baby, the baby's father is 20. She used to work as a housekeeper, but then the kid's father treated her badly - and cheated on her, so she started get tired of that type of work. Soon enough, she went into dancing at a go-go bar. I met her at a party, and soon after got her number.
In the beginning, it was difficult - it did not seem that her interest level was that high. My biggest pull was that I am single, and have a good job so I have a good amount of money to spend - and she obviously needed someone to help with her expenses. I went into the relationship knowing this.
In the beginning, it was mostly just sex - I think she felt like it was her obligation or else I would not help her out financially. About 3 months ago, I started to change this, and started to take her out. I took her to the movies, mall, etc. She told me no one had done that for her before. She mentions that most of her past boyfriends have been ignorant and treated her badly - so when someone like me came along, she was not even sure how to handle it.
Fast forward to the present time. She lives about 50 minutes away, so I see her 3 times a week or so. She told me she had broken things off with the father of her kid a long time ago, before we even met - but I found out they were still involved up to September, which was already a few months into our thing. So she was double timing both of us. They broke up in September, and I never told her I knew - I just thought it was the natural progression of things.
What concerns me is her behavior. She is cold emotionally. I complained about it, but she said it's because she has trust issues, and has had so many bad relationships and disappointments. Her job as a go-go dancer may have affected her as well.
She won't hold my hand in public, she usually sits farther away from me if she can - and she is not very affectionate. All I get is a 10-20 second kiss at the end of our date. We used to have sex regularly up until August, but when I started to take her out more and focus the relationship on more important things, it seems like a lot of excuses came up that prohibited us from having sex. (i.e she had to move a few times, or she's on her period, or there are people at her house, etc)
The only affectionate thing she does is show concern for me. She does call me often, we talk everyday on the phone. When I leave her place and go home, if I don't call her she will call me to check if I got home alright.
Let me mention the financial help I give her once again - she started working this week as a housekeeper once again, but when she stopped working - for almost a month, I was giving her anywhere from $500 to $1,000 a week. I paid her rent, phone, bought her groceries. Most of this money was all essential things. I did buy her a few gifts, take her to the salon, etc - but most of that money was in basics. For the last 6 months, I have always given her at least a few hundred a week. ($200 to $1,000 when it was its highest.) Also take note that she is aware of my family, even if she's embarrassed to meet them. She thinks I will be able to provide her with a lot of money in the future. Also...she may want a green card, as I am not sure what her legal status is. But she never talked to me about it, it's only an assumption and I can't assume that's her only interest.
Those are her obvious interests above.
She started working again this week - as a house cleaner. She wants me to spend less, and wants her own independence - i.e not to depend on me as much. In terms of how she feels, when she feels I am backing away, she reaffirms that she likes me very much - that I've treated her better than any person, etc.
Knowing this, here are my questions and concerns, plus you may add any observations as you see fit:
1.) Obviously she is a single mother, and needs some help financially. But how much of her being with me is that, and how much is her actual interest in me? How can I tell?
2.) Going with the above, how can her cold behavior be explained? Is it possible she really is like this, due to past bad experiences? Her father separated from her mother when she was 12, and her father cheated on her mother as well. Or is more likely she is just not interested in me, so she is cold - but she does not let go because she needs the money and security? She has had a lot of bad experiences with men as well.
3.) Her job now has long hours - Monday to Saturday, 7am to 7pm - so I may only be able to see her once during the week, and then on Sunday. She'll be tired and not give me that much attention. This worries me a bit. Even when she was off, it seems like her kid occupied a lot of her time, and she would often invite her sister to go out with us. She feels sorry for her sister who does not get out too much - but is she avoiding spending time with me?
4.) Let me know what I can do to make this work. I know the obvious answer is to move on and find someone who will be better for me, but I want a way to make it work if possible.
Help if you can, I'd really appreciate it.
In the beginning, it was difficult - it did not seem that her interest level was that high. My biggest pull was that I am single, and have a good job so I have a good amount of money to spend - and she obviously needed someone to help with her expenses. I went into the relationship knowing this.
In the beginning, it was mostly just sex - I think she felt like it was her obligation or else I would not help her out financially. About 3 months ago, I started to change this, and started to take her out. I took her to the movies, mall, etc. She told me no one had done that for her before. She mentions that most of her past boyfriends have been ignorant and treated her badly - so when someone like me came along, she was not even sure how to handle it.
Fast forward to the present time. She lives about 50 minutes away, so I see her 3 times a week or so. She told me she had broken things off with the father of her kid a long time ago, before we even met - but I found out they were still involved up to September, which was already a few months into our thing. So she was double timing both of us. They broke up in September, and I never told her I knew - I just thought it was the natural progression of things.
What concerns me is her behavior. She is cold emotionally. I complained about it, but she said it's because she has trust issues, and has had so many bad relationships and disappointments. Her job as a go-go dancer may have affected her as well.
She won't hold my hand in public, she usually sits farther away from me if she can - and she is not very affectionate. All I get is a 10-20 second kiss at the end of our date. We used to have sex regularly up until August, but when I started to take her out more and focus the relationship on more important things, it seems like a lot of excuses came up that prohibited us from having sex. (i.e she had to move a few times, or she's on her period, or there are people at her house, etc)
The only affectionate thing she does is show concern for me. She does call me often, we talk everyday on the phone. When I leave her place and go home, if I don't call her she will call me to check if I got home alright.
Let me mention the financial help I give her once again - she started working this week as a housekeeper once again, but when she stopped working - for almost a month, I was giving her anywhere from $500 to $1,000 a week. I paid her rent, phone, bought her groceries. Most of this money was all essential things. I did buy her a few gifts, take her to the salon, etc - but most of that money was in basics. For the last 6 months, I have always given her at least a few hundred a week. ($200 to $1,000 when it was its highest.) Also take note that she is aware of my family, even if she's embarrassed to meet them. She thinks I will be able to provide her with a lot of money in the future. Also...she may want a green card, as I am not sure what her legal status is. But she never talked to me about it, it's only an assumption and I can't assume that's her only interest.
Those are her obvious interests above.
She started working again this week - as a house cleaner. She wants me to spend less, and wants her own independence - i.e not to depend on me as much. In terms of how she feels, when she feels I am backing away, she reaffirms that she likes me very much - that I've treated her better than any person, etc.
Knowing this, here are my questions and concerns, plus you may add any observations as you see fit:
1.) Obviously she is a single mother, and needs some help financially. But how much of her being with me is that, and how much is her actual interest in me? How can I tell?
2.) Going with the above, how can her cold behavior be explained? Is it possible she really is like this, due to past bad experiences? Her father separated from her mother when she was 12, and her father cheated on her mother as well. Or is more likely she is just not interested in me, so she is cold - but she does not let go because she needs the money and security? She has had a lot of bad experiences with men as well.
3.) Her job now has long hours - Monday to Saturday, 7am to 7pm - so I may only be able to see her once during the week, and then on Sunday. She'll be tired and not give me that much attention. This worries me a bit. Even when she was off, it seems like her kid occupied a lot of her time, and she would often invite her sister to go out with us. She feels sorry for her sister who does not get out too much - but is she avoiding spending time with me?
4.) Let me know what I can do to make this work. I know the obvious answer is to move on and find someone who will be better for me, but I want a way to make it work if possible.
Help if you can, I'd really appreciate it.
She started her new work today
Today she started. She's doing housekeeping with a cleaning company now - M-S, tough hours.
I am happy she is changing her life, this is a good indication she wants to. If I was not helping her, she would never be able to do this - her salary simply would not allow her to pay for everything she needs, and if it did - no money would be left over.
She doesn't want to depend on anyone, she wants to make her own money too - so we will see what happens.
What do I do now? She'll come back from work tired during the week at 7 or so, and then she has to prepare food, take care of the kid, etc. I guess I have to just go along with the flow and see how that goes.
I am happy she is changing her life, this is a good indication she wants to. If I was not helping her, she would never be able to do this - her salary simply would not allow her to pay for everything she needs, and if it did - no money would be left over.
She doesn't want to depend on anyone, she wants to make her own money too - so we will see what happens.
What do I do now? She'll come back from work tired during the week at 7 or so, and then she has to prepare food, take care of the kid, etc. I guess I have to just go along with the flow and see how that goes.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Oops
The new woman was really interested in me, she asked a lot about me, etc. One little problem. A friend of my mother's told her about my current girlfriend. Oops. I think that scared her off a bit - I think I will have to chase her now and explain the situation.
I am a bit torn - even if this new woman took a liking to me, I am not sure yet if I would leave the old woman. I like her, it's tough.
I am very loyal, and I will not cheat - so if one woman is better for me than the other, I will have to explain it to the one I leave and have only one, no double timing.
I am a bit torn - even if this new woman took a liking to me, I am not sure yet if I would leave the old woman. I like her, it's tough.
I am very loyal, and I will not cheat - so if one woman is better for me than the other, I will have to explain it to the one I leave and have only one, no double timing.
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